baklawa
New member
While most people will be watching Thursday's VP debate to see if Sarah Palin will start speaking in tongues, there's also the little matter of diarrhea-mouth hothead Joe Biden. The Obama camp is worried about the notoriously unpredictable Biden getting too aggressive (read: red-faced bellowing) while addressing Gov. Palin and losing the coveted "we hate people who aren't nice to the woefully underqualified" vote. To prepare, Joe has been rehearsing with Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholme standing in for Sarah Palin. Enjoy!
Okay Joe. So I'll pretend to be Sarah, and you just...try and be you, okay? Let's just have fun with it. You ready?
LET'S DO THIS!
Whoah! Easy buddy.
Sorry Jen. I'm just real excited to just...just tear that dumbass, Russia-watching eskimo a whole new--
ENOUGH! That's exactly what you don't wanna do. I know in most debates having more knowledge, experience, and ability to make a convincing argument are good things. But in this case they're all drawbacks for you.
Drawbacks? So in order to win, I have to...try not to win?
Dude, you just have to show up and stand around for ninety minutes. And try not to look mean. Can you pull that off?
Of course I can!
Okay, you need to dial it down about 50 notches. Turn on the charm.
How's this? Friendly?
You look like a jack-o-lantern taking a difficult crap. You just need to look less threatening.
What about this? Hey Sarah great to see ya sweetie!
Still kind of scary. Can you do anything to seem warmer?
How's this look? Can I debate while holding my grandkid?
We'll ask. But let's try something else. Is there a place where you like to go in your head where everything feels warm and loving and happy?
My Christmas place! Christmas morning. In front of the tree!
Okay, it's Christmas morning. I'm Sarah Palin and there's a big beautiful tree behind me. Do you feel gentler? More generous?
Get out of my secret Christmas place Sarah Palin!
Lose your temper again Joe and this shoe's going up your ass.
Sorry.
Okay. Now I'll be Sarah and I've just gotten a question about my experience dealing with Russia...
We have trade missions back and forth. We? we do? it?s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where?
Oh come on! Don't just pretend to speak in gibberish. Approximate the kind of answer she'd give.
That was a direct quote.
Holy sh!t.
Okay, so let's say I'm asked about the bailout.
But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh -- it's got to be all about job creation too.
Direct quote?
Yeah. Fraid so.
Aw dammit. Here we go. Here come the waterworks.
Joe what's wrong?
She's just so...helpless. So lost. I don't wanna debate her I just...I wanna take care of her. Give her shelter. A comfy chair to sit on and a nice storybook to read. DAMMIT, I WANNA PROTECT HER FROM GUYS LIKE ME!
Congratulations Joe. You're ready for the debate.
Relax. I got this.
Okay Joe. So I'll pretend to be Sarah, and you just...try and be you, okay? Let's just have fun with it. You ready?
LET'S DO THIS!
Whoah! Easy buddy.
Sorry Jen. I'm just real excited to just...just tear that dumbass, Russia-watching eskimo a whole new--
ENOUGH! That's exactly what you don't wanna do. I know in most debates having more knowledge, experience, and ability to make a convincing argument are good things. But in this case they're all drawbacks for you.
Drawbacks? So in order to win, I have to...try not to win?
Dude, you just have to show up and stand around for ninety minutes. And try not to look mean. Can you pull that off?
Of course I can!
Okay, you need to dial it down about 50 notches. Turn on the charm.
How's this? Friendly?
You look like a jack-o-lantern taking a difficult crap. You just need to look less threatening.
What about this? Hey Sarah great to see ya sweetie!
Still kind of scary. Can you do anything to seem warmer?
How's this look? Can I debate while holding my grandkid?
We'll ask. But let's try something else. Is there a place where you like to go in your head where everything feels warm and loving and happy?
My Christmas place! Christmas morning. In front of the tree!
Okay, it's Christmas morning. I'm Sarah Palin and there's a big beautiful tree behind me. Do you feel gentler? More generous?
Get out of my secret Christmas place Sarah Palin!
Lose your temper again Joe and this shoe's going up your ass.
Sorry.
Okay. Now I'll be Sarah and I've just gotten a question about my experience dealing with Russia...
We have trade missions back and forth. We? we do? it?s very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia as Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where?
Oh come on! Don't just pretend to speak in gibberish. Approximate the kind of answer she'd give.
That was a direct quote.
Holy sh!t.
Okay, so let's say I'm asked about the bailout.
But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh -- it's got to be all about job creation too.
Direct quote?
Yeah. Fraid so.
Aw dammit. Here we go. Here come the waterworks.
Joe what's wrong?
She's just so...helpless. So lost. I don't wanna debate her I just...I wanna take care of her. Give her shelter. A comfy chair to sit on and a nice storybook to read. DAMMIT, I WANNA PROTECT HER FROM GUYS LIKE ME!
Congratulations Joe. You're ready for the debate.
Relax. I got this.