AVN Soap Opera

baklawa

baklawa

New member
Returning Home​

Ashuriena is packing her things and making sure she has everything she needs for her big move: wedding dress (check), honeymoon lingerie (check), a bag full of antibiotics (check), all necessary paperwork (check).  At 40 she was doing something she never thought she'd do -- returning to the homeland to marry the man of her dreams.  Well, maybe "returning" is not the right word considering she was born in LA.  And man of her dreams....well, Jacob is a man, so that's always good.  He's not bad looking...although that unibrow is hard to overlook.  As is his back hair.  But he's quite nice, he did offer his hand to help her up when she tripped over a rock and landed face-first in the Zab river.  But at this point in her life, she really felt that this was her last option.  She just couldn't handle the life of a spinster any longer, and she had little tolerance left for her overbearing parents, Barwarneta and Ashoor. So after years of enduring their endless nagging, unsolicited and rude comments from old Assyrian women, numerous blind dates with men who made her run for the hills (she almost decked the last one, manuel50, after he made his disgust of Assyrian women clear and made sure she knew that he expected her to wait on him hand and foot after marriage), she decided to take up her parents' proposal of meeting the son of their good friends in Nohadra.
 
So let's go back a little.....

Back in the day, no one in their right mind would have imagined Ashuriena's current fate.  A raving beauty, she could have had her pick of any man in town.  In fact, she had several suitors but her parents rejected each one.  *"Khzee pisloo, har zayeh d'maymoon," barwarneta said of one and wouldn't hear any talk of him after that.  **"Shoolo lela spy, bes $90,000/sheeta y'taris, moot khayeh b'yawilakh?" Ashoor said of another.  Each time Ashuriena had pleaded her love for these men, and each time her parents rejected them, arguing that her beauty commanded someone of much higher caliber.  And being the dutiful, reserved and honorable daughter that she was, Ashuriena obeyed her parents each time.  But as the years went by, the suitors became less frequent, most men having been frightened off by Ashoor's raging temper and barwarneta's demands for more money and jewelry (strangely, for her, not Ashuriena.)  

* Look at his look, just like a baby monkey
** His work is not good, he only earns $90k/year, what kind of life will he give you?
 
As the requests for dates lessened, Ashuriena found herself dating men that were not exactly high on the totem pole.  Men her age seemed to busy themselves with jet-black hair dye and girls barely above the legal age.  Basically she got stuck with the men not able to score in that demographic.  One memorable date was with a man with severe anger-management issues.  When the waiter at the restaurant they went to brought him the wrong order, he sprang up yelling "wy salinah khatookh!" and nearly choked the poor boy.  Another one must have downed a couple of blue pills before their date because he kept "accidentally" bumping into her and tried to argue what a shame would be to "let little khoshaba go to waste." 
 
baklawa said:
As the requests for dates lessened, Ashuriena found herself dating men that were not exactly high on the totem pole.  Men her age seemed to busy themselves with jet-black hair dye and girls barely above the legal age.   Basically she got stuck with the men not able to score in that demographic.  One memorable date was with a man with severe anger-management issues.  When the waiter at the restaurant they went to brought him the wrong order, he sprang up yelling "wy salinah khatookh!" and nearly choked the poor boy.  Another one must have downed a couple of blue pills before their date because he kept "accidentally" bumping into her and tried to argue what a shame would be to "let little khoshaba go to waste." 
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Shara Janan Sawa.  :lol:
 
Back in Nohadra, Dalida was fretting over the fate of her only child, Jacob.  In his 40s, few girlfriends to speak of, and the prospects were not looking good.  So many local girls had fled the country with their families, while others were being scooped up by men in the diaspora.  Jonadona blamed his wife for their son's predicament, accusing her of having babied their son to the point of helplessness.  So nervous was she of any harm befalling her precious boy, Dalida had succeeded in making Jacob utterly petrified of every little thing.  Swimming?  Absolutely not, he might drown.  Driving?  Car accident, best to take the bus or walk.  Playing soccer with the boys?  Heavens no, he might break his leg.  Of course this did little to help jonadona with the rest of the men at the local chaykhana who ribbed their friend over his "special" son.  "Kho leleh min deneh kheeneh?" they would half-jokingly ask as jonadona mustered up a half-hearted defense (he wasn't so sure himself.)  

So imagine their pleasant surprise when jonadona's friend Ashoor called from LA proposing a match for his daughter Ashuriena.  Dalida and jonadona could not believe their luck, for tales of Ashuriena's stunning beauty had reached all the way home.  Imagine that!  Malikta d'shoopra b'toya kaltan!  Soon, the whole town heard that Ashuriena would be making a special trip to meet Jacob.  Jonadona walked with his head held high for the first time in years and soon reversed the tables on his friends at the chaykhana.  My son is gay?  HA!  Your son is gay, touf!!  
 
baklawa said:
Back in Nohadra, Dalida was fretting over the fate of her only child, Jacob.  In his 40s, few girlfriends to speak of, and the prospects were not looking good.  So many local girls had fled the country with their families, while others were being scooped up by men in the diaspora.  Jonadona blamed his wife for their son's predicament, accusing her of having babied their son to the point of helplessness.  So nervous was she of any harm befalling her precious boy, Dalida had succeeded in making Jacob utterly petrified of every little thing.  Swimming?  Absolutely not, he might drown.  Driving?  Car accident, best to take the bus or walk.  Playing soccer with the boys?  Heavens no, he might break his leg.  Of course this did little to help jonadona with the rest of the men at the local chaykhana who ribbed their friend over his "special" son.  "Kho leleh min deneh kheeneh?" they would half-jokingly ask as jonadona mustered up a half-hearted defense (he wasn't so sure himself.) 
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Wait, is his mom urmizhneta?
 
When first told of her parent's suggestion of flying to atra to meet Jacob, Ashuriena was absolutely mortified.  "*La, oo alpeh d'la!" she cried.  How could her parents, who had rebuffed so many other decent suitors, seriously have concocted such an idea?  But to them it was the perfect plan.  Both Ashuriena and Jacob were only children, they were both passed their prime by Assyrian standards, the families knew each other, so there would be no surprises there.  What was the problem?

Back home, Jacob was equally concerned.  "**Yimmee bizdayin!" he exclaimed when told a woman would be coming from America to see him.  Being around women in general made Jacob incredibly nervous -- he would sweat profusely and would make inappropriate sounds and gestures.  But this was worse; a woman from the west, reknowned for her elegance and gracefulness.  What would she think of him and his simple life?

*No, and a thousand no's
** Mom I'm scared
 
Weeks went by and Ashuriena stubbornly refused to accept her parents' plan.  *"Bes khoosh khzeeleh, en la weelakh razee, leh goritleh!" barwarneta pleaded.  Ashoor was more blunt in his words, **"Atee hala bikhshawit eewat 20 shineh, eena gasheq go nora oo khzee moot pishta; yala jamee honakh breeshakh oo khoosh gwoor, parqikh minakh!"  But it was the wedding of her young cousin that helped her make her decision.  Watching the 19-year old bride dance with her 35-year old groom, reality seemed to smack Ashuriena upside the head and she informed her parents that she would make the trip.

* Just go see him, if you don't approve don't marry him
** You still think you're 20 years old, but go look in the mirror and see what you've become; go get your head together and marry so we can finish with you
 
Dalida cradled her precious Jacob in her arms as he snuggled his head in her overflowing bosom, crying hysterically.  *"LEH BAYAN GORIN!  BAYIN PASHIN LAKHA MINAKH!!"  Jonadona rolled his eyes and sighed heavily.  He berated Dalida again for producing such a son.  "If you hadn't allowed him to share our bed when he was young maybe the boy wouldn't be like this!"  It wasn't until jonadana had dragged the then 17-year old Jacob kicking and screaming to his own bedroom that he finally learned to sleep on his own.  Jonadona knew that his son was in no condition to marry any woman, let alone someone in Ashuriena's league.  So he enlisted the support of his chaykhana buddies.

One night as Jacob slept in his race car bed, peacfully sucking his thumb, jonadona and his pals burst in.  They placed a hood over Jacob's head and carried the screaming boy to the car, with Dalida in absolute hysterics running behind them.  "MOMMY!!!!"  "AY BROONEE, BROONEE!!"  Jonadona grabbed Dalida, **"Pyasha bes kha yerkha qat Ashuriena matya lakha.  Yan awa yala bet payish oorza, yan qatlaneh!"  Jonadona and his friends took Jacob to a little village up the hill where he would endure a month-long intensive Man Camp.

*I don't want to marry, I want to stay here with you
** There's only a month left until Ashuriena arrives here.  Either the boy will become a man or I'll kill him
 
I'm enjoying my character so far, especially the snuggling of Dalida's bosom. 
perv.gif
  I don't care if she is my fictional mom.
 
Up in the village the men sat Jacob down and laid out the plan for him.  No one would be waiting on him hand and foot; "You will make your own food, wash yourself, and pick up after yourself.  You're a man, not a helpless 7-year old."  For the full month he would be expected to engage in sporting activities, fix household appliances, learn to operate basic tools and cars, learn how to groom himself properly, and be educated on the art of seduction and how to please a woman (not that any of these men really knew much about that, but at least most of them were married and none of them were virgins.)  Jacob made a mad dash for the door, flailing about and pleading to see his mother.  The men realized this was going to be harder than they thought; they barricaded Jacob in his room and stood guard outside to make sure he didn't escape.
 
That first night was rough.  Most of the men didn't get much sleep, what with Jacob wimpering most of the night.  The next day wasn't much better.  Jacob couldn't figure out how to make chai and his lakhma and goopta sandwich just wasn't the same without it.  He kept throwing tantrums and demanded to be returned to his mother.  But by the end of the night, starving (he refused to make his own food), he realized he would have to do things their way.

He soon got used to the routine.  The men would hike down the mountain in the mornings to go fishing.  Jacob was taught to catch, fillet and grill his own fish. Afternoons were spent playing soccer, taking driving lessons, and helping the men with construction projects around the village.  Nights were set aside for manly talk where Jacob was schooled on how to be a real oorza. 
 
Miracle of miracles, by that final week Jacob was no longer the pudgy, cowardly mama's boy.  His body was now muscular and he spoke and carried himself with confidence as he had never done before.  Now came the final test, and it wasn't going to be pretty.  Or it could be -- depends on your taste.

It was the end of the day and time for the nightly man talk.  But the men told Jacob that they had taught him all they knew and tonight they had a special treat for him.  So they walked him out to the shed and flung open the door.....there she was.  Tied to the wooden rails, just waiting for him.  Her wild, curly hair all poofy, her blue eyes fixated on him as she called out to him.  BBBBAAAAAAA.  "Oh hell no!!" Jacob cried as he lurched toward the door, but the men managed to lock him in before he could even take a step.  "Let me out!" he yelled, but it was no use.  "Just remember all our lessons and do it.  We'll be back in an hour to get you."  And so it was that 45 minutes later, Shushan's unmistakeable cries reached the house and the men knew.

Jacob was now, finally, a man.
 
jonadona said:
Good memories. 
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Yes very good memories we will never forget. lol

jacob said:
I'm enjoying my character so far, especially the snuggling of Dalida's bosom. 
perv.gif
  I don't care if she is my fictional mom.
Click to expand...

You loved them so much I  was breast feeding you until you were 10! lol

jacob said:
AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!  Where's my Mommy?  Where's Dalida's bosom?
Click to expand...

I'm right here son.  :bigarmhug:
 
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